Dedicated to the discarded
I apologise to those discarded phrases
who in invoking themselves in a furious moment
were only to be crossed out, barred and abandoned
each letter was so important
yet in questioning each word
criticising each thought, I saw too
many imperfections to be fixed
like a boat with too many holes
there were simply too many plugs
and so I had to let it sink
I’m sorry for my harshness and laziness
I couldn’t save you from your creator
who couldn’t live with her imperfections.
The man eater
The man-eater
sucks upon the juices
savours the aroma
of bewilderment
by beauty
The game is played
to her advantage
the pressed flesh eroticism
stench evident upon
the mind of the toy
She devours
peeling away
the flesh exposing
layer upon layer
bones, organs
and finally
the heart
which she places still beating
upon the trinket-laden
charm bracelet
crowded by scattered hearts
of willing victims
she smiles.
A fallen angel
The joyful angels
clearly and precisely
proclaim their destiny
a distinct path lit before them
each step enlightening the heart
my joyful angels how you make me laugh
I wish to fly in your eternal happiness
I cannot feel your love
nor share in your joyful abandon
for my joyful angels, I fear I have fallen.
Coming of age
Gathering the years over time
redressing the innocence
becoming less like a child and more like death
inevitable meanderings trap and pull
into well-worn tracks
we become like everyone else
and less like ourselves
Wise beyond our years
improvisation is a circulated falsehood
a mythological ideology created from nothing
a belief I nothing creates an emptiness
this illness of life kills the presence of the soul
disjointed thoughts make you forget
remember to forget yourself
The coming of age
brings so much and very little
the laughter mocks the tears of frustration
the sobs ridicule the waves of happiness
tender is the touch which pounds the flesh
the physical slap makes things real
remember to make life real.
An exceptional procrastination
My zine, The extraordinary life of Michael Lee Aday, came about through procrastination.
In January, I had unwillingly taken on a travel writing project, even though I had promised I would never accept anything as tedious as updating a travel guide. But I accepted it because it was a good project to keep me active after a couple of years of not doing much writing-wise. I didn't mind visiting the locations, but once that part of the job was finished, I had to enter all of the data onto my employer's database, which was mind-numbingly tedious.
So after doing some intense work every day, my reward was listening to music. Every hour I gave myself a break of five to ten minutes of music to get away from the computer screen.
After hearing of Meat Loaf's death, I decided to listen to his first album, Bat Out of Hell, which I'm ashamed to admit I never knew about. Soon it became an obsession. Meat Loaf fans posted old interviews, videos and documentaries about his career, so I began watching and listening to everything possible. I discovered his impressive lifetime work.
So as I was working on my day job, I had work breaks and weekends listening, understanding and reading everything I could find about this fascinating artist. I took copious notes and compiled the ultimate Meat Loaf listening list, which I played as I typed in my data.
I discovered elements of Meat Loaf's difficult childhood, how he lost his mother when he was 19, and a violent and alcoholic father who tried to kill him. His remarkable talents as an actor and singer. His incredible force of will to follow his creative skills.
Meat Loaf said yes to everything from singing in rock bands in the early 70s to singing musicals and roles in movies and on the stage. He did everything from Shakespeare to the Rocky Horror Show. How he randomly met and befriended talented musician and songwriter Jim Steinman. And how the two went on to write one of the most popular and highest-selling albums of all time.
Then came the stream of endless rejection to get the album recorded, how nobody believed in Jim Steinman or Meat Loaf's music, which was completely different from any music of the time. It took Steinman and ML two years to write the album and another two to find a record company that was able to sign them. Then it took them months of performing to build their audience after their record company refused to publicise the album.
My Meat Loaf procrastination became a welcomed distraction and obsession. Before I knew it, I had written pages of notes, and all of the fans' old photos became the inspiration for some sketches. Then I began thinking, " Hey, maybe I can make a little zine with all this research. So I started writing a tribute to ML's extraordinary life and my reflections as a new fan.
Before I realised it, I had written 10,000 words and had made dozens of sketches inspired by Meat Loaf.
After sending in my travel guide, I began editing and compiling my tribute to Meat Loaf.
The result is this little book about this enigmatic performer, his unlikely career path and possibly the most epic journey any album has had to take to be recorded and published.
If you want to read my little zine its available on Amazon.
Keep an eye out for a give away in a few weeks time and more zines further down the track.
Searching my full name on Amazon (Rochelle Del Borrello) will give you all of my zine publications so far.
After discovering Meat Loaf I have been well and truly stuck back in the 1970s.
What are you currently obsessed with?
Wishbone
There is a wishbone stuck in your throat
it sits lodged between your vocal cords
amazingly it does not hamper your voice
in fact, it creates your voice
With every breath, you inhale desirously
ambition to replenish your want for success
The Wishbone absorbs your breath the split bones
two halves pluck you chords
not choking just your voice singing
with the expectation of ongoing expression
Such is the mysterious awe of the performance
the wish expressed through your voice.
A season of light
Do you remember the night of summer lightning?
when the seasons changed
thundering humidity clashing upon itself
to create thick droplets of rain
we sat under the umbrella stars
under the talking sky
we spoke of faith and faithlessness
as the world shifted around us
we dreamed of what could be
and took a moment with us
the restless nature of the storm
we did not worry about the future
we were happy to have our passion
the rain is cleansing the moment before winter.
The same blood
You can be red raw and still sing your song
You can have tears in your eyes and still tell your story.
The truth is where the tale lies
You cannot or should not wait to share it.
The emotion will help you to connect with others
Because everyone can see,
understand and communicate
with feelings
So don’t be afraid to bleed onto the page.
We all have the same blood in our veins.
Be careful what you wish for: a reflection on fame and wealth
People say you should meet your heroes, but sometimes you could regret what you wish for.
There are many stories of people who meet their idols and turn out to be genuinely horrible.
You might want to meet them, but they won't necessarily be willing to meet you.
The entertainment industry is filled with superficial narcissists with huge egos.
Other famous people have done terrible things to attain and keep their success.
It always saddens me when I hear of children being neglected, abandoned or forgotten by a famous father or mother. Or even children in mitigation for years after a famous parent has passed away, over a slice of the big pie of earnings amassed during a lifetime of touring or working.
I'm sure it's rare to see successful artists without ego who take the time to connect with their fans, actively thanking them and being constantly humble about their work.
There are dozens of examples of famous people having difficulties with their families and those arguing over money and inheritance.
Legendary 1950's comedic actor and director Jerry Lewis was an egomaniac who left behind a stream of endless horribleness. Despite giving money to charities and developing the modern concept of the Telethon to raise funds for worthy causes, he was generally a terrible man to work and live with. He basically disowned his six adult children and first wife, leaving everything to his second wife and adopted daughter. He also had an illegitimate daughter whom he never really acknowledged and who basically died elderly and homeless for most of her life.
Back in my student journalist days, I was able to get a chance to meet Sir Peter Ustinov, who was one of my favourite old-school classic Hollywood character actors from the golden age of cinema. He turned out to be rather charming and open to meeting a couple of clueless and surprised students. We ended up having a lovely conversation with the elderly performer, who was filled with advice and time for the younger generation.
Years after his death in 2004, I was saddened to hear how Sir Peter's six surviving children were in mitigation for years over the estate of the late actor and writer. Sadly most of Sir Peter's trusts which also contained the rights and royalties to everything he wrote and filmed, are not available to the family. Legal fees are eating away at his fortune, and stringent rules regulating the trusts established in Liechtenstein and Switzerland keep everything away from his surviving family.
More recently, in 2017, when one of my favourite American singer-songwriters, Tom Petty passed away suddenly, I was doubly saddened as his daughters from his first wife and current wife immediately plunged into mitigation over his estate. Thank goodness, after several months in court, they were able to reach an agreement.
Being famous doesn't make you immune to human problems like greed, misunderstandings and poor family relations.
Another famous example that comes to mind was from Roy Orbison's life; he had to endure terrible tragedies like the death of his first wife in a motorcycle accident and the death of his two eldest sons in a house fire when he was away on tour. Orbison was a workaholic and focused his energy on performing, writing and recording songs which led him to neglect his surviving son, whom he left to be raised by his grandparents. Even when he later remarried and had another two sons, he practically forgot his first surviving son. While focusing on his big career comeback in the early 90-s, he abandoned his teenage sons, travelling with his wife to LA to work on new projects and collaborations. Later he reconciled with his oldest son before his sudden fatal heart attack, but he never really repaired or addressed the emotional damage caused by the separation. Today, Roy Orbison's sons proudly keep their father's legacy alive and collaborate to promote the Orbison name.
There are so many tales of estranged and abandoned children or the rich and famous, which begs the question, is it all worth it?
It's interesting to reflect on the nature of fame and fortune, whether you need to be pigheaded, arrogant and generally a lousy individual to attain success. Or is it better to be less rich and famous and focus on being a good person while nurturing your family.
What would you choose to do?
Nothing goes to waste
Everything serves a purpose
ain’t anything going to waste.
A tear is love which doesn’t know
where to go, it had to come out
or else you would drown.
A beating heart, filled with unrequited regret
is your big soul expressing itself
remember we are made of light
and its got to shine
whether you want it or not
we can’t resist all of this love
sometimes it hurts, we ache for it
we cry for it, it won’t be denied.
None of it is wasted because it is
where we come from
and from whence
we return.
Friendzone
I don't need anyone,
I have myself,
the love I have in my heart is enough,
strength comes as it is required.
I can't stop thinking of you.
I want more of you in my life.
I miss your energy,
I don't need you but
I love you.
Our connection is so special
you hold a mirror up to me
we are two parts of the same whole.
You have always seemed beyond my reach,
too many people love you already.
You've had too many sexy girlfriends
to ever want me.
I don't think you have ever seen me in
any other way than as a friend.
So before I make a fool of myself
I'm going to stop fantasising about you.
I'm simply going to be overly excited
to see you when we reunite,
give you an extra long hug
and tell you how much I love you
and miss you
because that's the truth.
5-second book review: Don Miguel Ruiz
5-second book review: The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
This fascinating book about spirituality and philosophy is based on the knowledge handed down by the Toltecs, an ancient southern Mexican nation dedicated to conserving their ancestral wisdom.
The Toltec is not a religion; instead, it honours specific universal truths that certain spiritual masters have taught and passed on to future generations.
The four agreements describe a rule that encapsulates a way of life that encourages happiness and love.
This simple and down to earth look written by Don Miguel Ruiz is an oral history which encourages a life of authenticity with a frank acknowledgement of human spirituality while not being clouded by the distractions of complex modern life.
This is the kind of book you should use as a reference to reread, meditate upon and follow when you feel overwhelmed and lost in life. It pulls you back from distractions and helps you keep yourself centred if you are distracted.
The four agreements help you realise how much noise and distraction there is in the exterior world. It addresses significant issues like human perception, life purpose and death. The four agreements are designed to help us navigate the perils of life; it's an essential guide on how to lead a more simple, authentic and happy life.
The first agreement is to be impeccable with your word. Not only in the sense of not breaking promises but also about being aware of the power of words and how they can affect you and those around you. Your utterings contain energy and the correct use of your focus which should be in the direction of truth and love.
The second agreement is not to take anything personally. Taking things too personally is an expression of ego. The way people act and what they say is never about you. There is always another reason behind what people do, and it has nothing to do with us, so don't set yourself up for suffering.
The third agreement is not to make any assumptions. Communication is essential; we should never assume something. If you don't understand, ask. Have the courage to ask and find your voice to ask for what you want.
The fourth agreement is always to do your best. Your best will vary depending on your energy level or stage in life. But the most important thing is to be taking action. Don't expect to be rewarded; instead, take action because you love and enjoy every activity you do. When you do your best, you learn to accept yourself and learn from your mistakes.
Apart from these four agreements or steps to follow in life, Don Miguel Ruiz also gives us many practical examples and methods to help us stay on this enlightened path.
It seems to be an oversimplified kind of spirituality, but these four agreements can take a lifetime to understand and master.
Ruiz has dedicated his life to sharing his unique blend of ancient wisdom and modern-day awareness through his book, which is a reference we should keep close to us as a helping hand through life.
Nothing to know about grief
The thing about losing something
is that there is nothing to know.
It's an emotion that takes hold of you
pushes you around like a bully that doesn't let up.
You put up with it, let it bleed you dry,
cry yourself to sleep until it loses its strength.
And then you can push it under you, into your heart
Occasionally it will bubble up, making you vomit emotions.
Eventually, it will become a part of you
reminding you how capable you are of love
and how love never really leaves you.
Beyond Myself
Oh artist, please paint me
I'm desperate to be immortalised
not because I want to be remembered
I'm happy to be forgotten
but because I want to leap out of the page
through my own words
into another's heart
to connect.
To gaze into another's soul.
Through a time beyond myself.
5 second book review: Venus in Furs
Venus in Furs by Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch
Erotic literature has been around for a long time; way before E.L James's Fifty Shades of Grey, writers have always expressed their sexuality through writing.
This genre has been around forever. Penguin classics has a top ten list of erotic reads.
So one day, when I didn't have anything in particular to read, I picked one randomly and downloaded it. Thanks to the Project Gutenberg web page, I dipped into the kinky world of erotic fetishism, even though there are probably many other things online for those looking. But Venus in Furs is considered a classic.
The image conjured by Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch was too sumptuous to resist.
According to the book's introduction:
'Leopold Von Sacher Mosoch's work suffers from the fault of being highly dramatic; the work is filled with swift narration, graphic representation of character, scenes and rich humour. Venus in Furs is the confession of a wretched man who could not master his tragedy of existence and takes us into the dark places that lie latent in all of us.'
Despite the threat of melodrama, I persisted.
Venus in Furs seems relatively tame nowadays as we post; postmoderns have seen everything and continue to be updated online. Venus is the confession of man's particular sexual adventure written in a hyperbolic Romantic way. The personal diary of Severin is a deep dark fantasy and obsession with a strong woman, violent episodes of mythology, whips, fur, slavery, cruelty and bondage.
Severin is emotionally and spiritually devoured by a strong, whimsical and manipulative older woman who takes advantage of his deeply rooted fetishes.
It is all a little silly but fun; the game that Severin and Wanda's play is filled with wonderfully romantic descriptions and banter. Even if, at times, Severin seems too pathetic for words, it is enjoyable in a sadomasochistic kind of way. I was curious to see how low our poor hero would go and how extreme his Venus in Furs would get.
This book was scandalous and banned at its time of publication in 1870. But today, it is a real treat, easy to read, filled with humor and playfulness. It was a quick read, a great way to pass away time on a lazy afternoon. It didn't stimulate anything in my sex life, but then I don't have a thing for bondage; I haven't suffered a repressed childhood like our poor man Severin.
